Dear Dad,

I can’t believe it’s been a year.

Today I thought about the last 365 days without you. It was a year of struggle and growth. The fastest learning I have ever had to do. I think you would be so proud of the person I am now on the other end. My understanding and comprehension of things are to a multitude I could have never imagined to be. I have done so much thinking dad. So much growing. It’s been hard to be so young and be your only immediate family member.

I remember a year ago staring out of the window onto to the Honolulu skyline with watery eyes thinking to myself “This is the first day of the rest of my life without you.” I am doing okay, but sometimes, I still can’t believe I can’t just hang out with you or call you.

Dad, I want to tell you: I am doing real good. I actually couldn’t be happier. You taught me what I need to know now. You know my super tough/strong exterior would always allow me to get through anything. Although it was rough. Auntie was in the ER two days after you died. My heart was in pieces since she was the closest thing I ever had to a mom. I have never seen Uncle crack like that. That was a small insight into the beginning to understand how lonely you were without mom all these years and understanding true partnerships. She eventually made a fully recovery by end of summer.  I still visit them at least once a week. Uncle Walter ended up not having cancer and I hear Megan is in school now. And jeeze, you won’t believe this, but about six weeks after your death, I got evicted. Worst timing ever. This whole time was the time you told me about. Where I would see who my true friends were. I learned, who you expect to understand, doesn’t. Who you want to be there, won’t. There are a few I am indebted to and ones I am glad to have their understanding, kindness and help. It’s the ones you don’t depend on that never let you down. People just don’t understand how every little bit helps. I quit my job in April dad. I am sorry for not listening to you but the beauty business…well you know me. There really is a difference of being good at something and liking it. I truly did my best for as long as I could and progressed faster then excepted and exceeded in my exceptions but I really hated it. I told you I wanted to get into art more and I did. I did my first semester at AAU online working on my BFA and finished some pretty decent work since. I picked up more photography thanks to school and one of my closest friends I use to tell you about, Aaron, I only regret that you guys never got to meet. He’s always been ride or die and I ended up living with him after I got evicted. I think you’d like what I have managed to produce. You and uncle were also so hard to impress when it came to your eyes in art. I’ve always wanted to travel and thought about the places you told me you had been at my age from your service years. I left the country for the first time, went to Korea to find moms family. I was there for your 66th birthday and thought about you and mom everyday. Learning about moms other life was a trip. It’s not what we thought dad. I wish I could tell you everything. Everyone that had met you before, spoke only of kind words of you. It was so strange to travel that far and see mom’s picture is someone else’s living room. Learning about Korea and Koreans was a fricken trip too. I can’t remember if you told me you ever went to Korea. I went on  travel missions. I went to Lanai, Maui for a night and Seattle twice. I went back to SF twice to take care of everything. Saw my first snow, finally! And tried to see as much as I already have been missing out on. I had a lot of firsts.

One thing I gotta tell you is that I fell in love with Seattle. I think this is what you were talking about when you told me about the first time you went to San Fransisco. Another thing: learning about kinship, family and partnership to another level now that my value to these things have changed. So I’ve been better with keeping in touch and keeping folks in my thoughts. AND So,  I fell for one of my friends. You always said it was good to be friends first, right? Or at least meet from another friend? And I am not even close to being player status like you anymore dad. Really this time. Really fo’real.  I wish you could’ve met Eric so bad. He’s coming to Seattle with me. He doesn’t like football and he’s got a half his body covered in tattoos, but really dad, he’s got a good heart, he’s gentle, funny, appreciates simplicity and beauty, but has an understanding of the bigger world and picture that surrounds us, or at the very least a thirst to learn more about it. We inspire each other creatively, he totally adores me and recognizes my magical powers but mostly, as you may have put it, puts up with my craziness. He reminds me alot of you and Uncle in admirable man traits. Must be the Japanese?

I had a 22nd birthday and read the last birthday card you wrote me. My homie from Seattle took me out to dinner. Micheal Jackson died dad. Micheal Jackson and it made me realize how much people will care about someone dying that they didn’t really know. Micheal Jackson made some dope songs, but he wasn’t my dad. Ya know what I’m saying?

I moved in with a friend to Alewa. It’s a really nice place. Nicest place I have probably ever lived in Hawaii. I wished you saw that spot instead of that old fight club house I lived in. It’s right near where we use to live. Sometimes I go grocery shopping and think about how we use to go to all these same shops after you picked me up from school. Henry still has his restaurant there and the lady from Golden City remembered me and asked about you. Sometimes it’s painful thinking that we use to walk around here together. That you walked around here alone after I moved out. I am leaving this place soon. I hope you would’ve approved of Seattle better then me going back to SF. Crystal had her 2nd son, his name is Oliver. I can’t wait to meet him.

Auntie Frances got sick and passed away last month. Uncle Ed’s heart aches so bad after over 50 years of marriage. Another lesson into understanding your feelings and understanding partnership. Then we thought we had a close call with Auntie Harriet. She’s alright now and looking forward to Gavin’s wedding next month! I am too. Finally getting the fam together without a funeral, right? Auntie and Uncle are moving to Texas after her trip to the ER last year. It’s hard for me. I feel like if I am not losing people in death, I lose them in distance. Hawaii is already being a different place for me. This place I never chose to be my home that I always wanted to leave to go back to what I thought was our home has now become home. Thanks for sharing your homes with me dad.

I visit you at least once a month. Sometimes twice. Remember that dream I had about you the last time we talked? I still dream about you. Same four story lines but all a little different. The most recent one fell under the “Just Hanging Out” category. We were just hanging out like nothing ever happened. I wake up and think about you and miss you the whole day.
Your friend David and his fam has come to visit you. It was hard for him and he misses you. We still drink wine together. He’s helped me alot. Even Nancy has come to visit you. We are close again. She regrets not having dinner that one time. But hell, we all were tired that day. See dad, the SF hanai family misses you. Sometimes I think about the last time we went together. I wish we spent more time…everything.

I still see Cherry and Mary for our flowers. It hurts that I have to buy them for mom, Tony and you now. I am sorry I didn’t do a one year service today but Uncle advised not to. So.. Uncle Alan found this old box last week…you always said you wondered what happened to all your Navy stuff. I wish we could’ve gone through it together. It was a treasure box time capsule.The nameless faces, unknown places and why Arizona was the answer to being close to an Ocean? More things to add to the list of things to treasure but never really understand. I want to know their stories so bad. I want to hear you tell me about all this cool crap we just found. So instead of the service, today, I put on your old dog tags, brought flowers from Cherry and Mary, couldn’t believe it was a freaken year and Eric and I went to mom, Tony and you. We got ginger flowers. It was dumping rain all day. You told me it was the time when the angels were crying. Thinking about the last 365 days without, I thought about the many days I did get with you.

I kept all your old aloha shirts. Eric’s grandma (you would’ve really like her) is what I would’ve imaged my grandparents to be like. She helped me start on the quilt I am making of your old shirts today.

Sometimes I have dreams where I am trying to tell you everything’s that’s happened and I am so scared of leaving something out. Because most of the time, when something preeminent happens dad, I still think of you and wish I could tell you. Like every single time I have been on a plane this year to go and experience something new, I do it because of you and think I wish I could tell you how things are now. Like now, I am sure I am leaving a bunch out.

So, the waters of life are changing rapidly dad and time is flying, just like you said it would. Even less then two months, I will be off this rock and in a totally different place, a place that I don’t think you have ever even been and with someone you didn’t get the chance to meet. Thanks for everything. I am doing real good because all I do is take steps forward with an open mind to grow. I am so excited about life and all I want to do is travel, make art, and LIVE. Thanks for everything dad. Where ever souls or whatever go, I hope yours is with mom and Tony since you missed them so much. Auntie Frances probably met up with you too, you know how she is. Tell everyone I said hello.

I love you. I miss you so much.

Love your only daughter,

Carol

PS dad, you took some really dope photos in your day.